Hearing versus listening: Putting inherent bias in check

“One of the things that limits our learning is our belief that we already know something.” -- David Marquet, former Navy captain, author, and leadership consultant

You’ve just met someone and are eager to get to know them and forge a connection. You quickly dive into the conversation and think all is going well. You talk about your background and goals for the future, and the other person replies with something so far off and invalidating that you wonder if they were even paying attention. You walk away frustrated and wonder if your communication skills are lacking, if they were disinterested, or if they’re just on a different wavelength and unable to understand what you were saying.

We’ve all been guilty of misinterpreting what others are saying or jumping to our own conclusions, and you may be surprised to know that we have our own biology to blame for it. Our brains make connections and pathways (synapses) that allow us to process information faster. These biological neural networks – not to be confused with artificial neural networks that tech companies use to model AI frameworks – are extremely useful for going through everyday life. You don’t need to think twice about whether you should put your hand on a hot stove because, as a small child, your brain quickly learned that hot=bad and you don’t need to take up a lot of time processing that information as an adult. These shortcuts that our brains create help all of us get through life and allow us to learn and grow.

(If you want to geek out and learn more about how our brain helps us process information, including how it sends signals to our spine and controls our central nervous system, this page at Johns Hopkins University gives a great overview in an easy-to-understand format.)

Unfortunately, the downside is that in our haste to understand and learn even more, we can use shortcuts that leave us a little bit lacking. We might think we fully understand a person’s perspective or a concept, but in fact, what we’re being presented with is different than what we’ve experienced before. Our brains take someone else’s words, translate them into a language that we understand (literally and figuratively), and process that information using the neural networks that we’ve developed inside ourselves.

So, these same amazing brain processes that help us survive, sadly, are also the root of our inherent biases, making it important to check yourself to make sure you are actively listening, particularly when you’re engaging with someone from a different culture or background. Without that level of understanding of that person’s lived experience, and with the bias of your own lived experience front and center, it’s easy to think we know where someone is coming from and get the context of the conversation wrong.

That said, people from very different backgrounds and perspectives frequently find a common understanding – and can do so very quickly! The difference is about the approach to the conversation. If you approach with a lens of curiosity, empathy, interest, and engagement, you are likely more likely to really hear what that person is saying and then can reflect back to make sure you truly get it.

“So, if I’m understanding you correctly, I think your goal is to…. Did I get that right?”

I’ve been practicing this for more than 25 years and I still don’t always get it right. Give yourself grace and time, and most importantly, continual practice to make sure you’re learning new neural pathways and ways to engage in conversation. And if you’d like help in cultivating those practices, you can check out our coaching page or reach out at hello@theconnectors.net to learn more and sign up for a complimentary consultation.