When a Connection Falls Flat

The often-quoted poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker says, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.” My recent experience with someone in the reason category is a great reminder that even challenging connections can teach us important lessons.

One of the hardest parts of connecting is recognizing when it’s time to let someone go. We’ve all been connected to people who truly “get us” and feel like everything is moving along seamlessly – until it’s not. Whether in business, personal relationships, or community groups, you’ll experience this repeatedly throughout your life.

The great news is that these changes to our relationships are incredibly valuable and help us clarify the connections we’d like to forge going forward.

I receive new requests to connect regularly and, as a human behavior geek, I tend to be intuitive about people’s motivations for connecting. But even the most hyperaware among us can misjudge a connection and find ourselves questioning our intuition.

Misreading a Connection

Shortly before launching The Connectors, I received a LinkedIn invitation from someone I didn’t know and said we’d need to have a conversation before accepting her request. We had an extensive conversation where she asked interesting and thoughtful questions, and I truly felt we were speaking the same language and had the same motivations.

She asked to interview me for a series on female role models and promised to follow up with login details and sample questions. She didn’t want anything but my time and had written dozens of these profiles before, so this didn’t feel like a scam. I was overjoyed to be invited even before my business was officially launched and accepted her LinkedIn request since we were now, of course, connected.

A few days before the scheduled interview, I didn’t have the login details. Knowing things can get lost in the shuffle, I emailed to share my excitement and asked if the time still worked for her – no response. Thinking my email may have gone to spam, I sent a LinkedIn message – again, no response. The LinkedIn message was marked as read, and yet, not even the courtesy of a reply. I questioned what happened and wondered how I could have been so wrong about her.

Give Yourself License to Let People Go

Too often, we keep pushing to make a connection work when it’s not wise to put in that effort. After multiple attempts to reach this woman, I had to recognize that she was trying to leverage my LinkedIn contacts and profile, and was not the values-driven person I imagined.

It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration, anger, or sadness of losing a connection and question what you could have done differently. Try instead to focus on gratitude for what that person has given you and allow yourself to let them go. This is easier said than done and it can be hard not to take the breakdown personally. In some cases, you won’t know why things shifted or what caused the disconnection. That can be frustrating, especially for people who crave answers, but your approach needs to be the same: focus on what that connection taught you and incorporate those lessons into your ways of moving forward.

My Takeaway Lessons

I thought I had the right protections in place – ensuring people had to talk to me before accepting LinkedIn invites usually weeded out those who were looking to “collect” rather than connect. And yet, I still fell prey to someone who wanted to leverage me in a transactional way. I removed her from my LinkedIn, but wondered if she’d already pilfered my contacts or used my reputation in a less than desirable way.

I shared my frustrations with a mentor who reminded me that my superpowers are cultivating connections with all types of people and finding common ground – two things the world needs now more than ever. But sometimes our superpowers can become our kryptonite and, in my desire to forge a meaningful connection, I projected meaning onto someone who didn’t deserve it. This was a great reminder to listen to my gut and pay more attention to the warning signs – something I’ve had to do repeatedly since this interaction. But, she cautioned, engaging with people the way I do has served me well and I shouldn’t change my entire way of operating because of one bad actor.

Also, this request for an interview came just as self-doubt and imposter syndrome were hitting hard, and I wondered if I really had it in me to launch The Connectors. This experience reassured me that my work was interesting enough for people who didn’t know me to want to learn more. It was a boost I needed to keep going and eventually launch – possibly the greatest of all reasons for my gratitude.

Finally, I “locked down” my contacts so they can’t be pilfered by anyone on LinkedIn, whether I am connected to them or not. While I’d love to allow everyone to freely scan through my network and find new connections, I’ve learned that not everyone has the same intentions I do, and the people who truly know me will ask for my help in forging connections.  

Sometimes relationships change or don’t work out, even for the best of connectors. Thankfully, if you’re willing to pay attention, there’s always a great lesson (or three) to take away as you move on.

If you’d like help navigating the connections in your life, feel free to check out our Coaching page or drop us a line at hello@theconnectors.net.